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In the Waiting

One of the joys of survivor life is annual CT/PT scans... feel the sarcasm. I get my scans done every September, and every September, I feel like I'm just scheduling an appointment to catch up with the weird dude who runs the radiology department and my favorite oncologist, Dr. Marte. I claimed healing back in 2014 and I'm not giving it up, so here we are, taking up planner space to visit my friends at FL Cancer Specialist. 

This year's annual scan came out a little differently. Dr. Marte sat with my mom and I and shared that they had found spots on my lungs. She said the radiologist thought it was pneumonia, but they had to also consider lymphoma because of my past, and wanted to send me to get an x-ray, but we had Fight Night, so I waited. The next morning, Rose Radiology took an x-ray and called later to say that it was clear and wasn't pneumonia. Which, yay, but also, umm? considering that the only other option Marte gave me was lymphoma. 

She scheduled another scan, this time to determine lymphoma or inflammation. Early last week, I sat with Marte and the inconclusive scan results. How "inconclusive" happens... I'll never know, but now, we wait. We wait for a pulmonologist to look over the scan, we wait for a phone call that says cold or cancer, we wait for a glimpse of what the next year of my life is going to look like. (I'm sure as heck not missing Kilimanjaro in June.)

We wait.

A conversation this morning with a good friend of mine, who is also in the waiting, who is also claiming her own healing, helped me to realize and accept that the waiting is actually tough. I think I deem myself fearless over circumstances before I even process or pray over them because that's what I "should" do, that's how I "should" be. I "should" myself a lot- can I get an amen? But David, a guy known for being one after God's heart, wasn't even fearless. However, he didn't deny the darkness of his situations either (Psalm 57:1,4,6), he just refused to drowned in them. He let God lead him by still waters and he reminded himself about the truths of God and that was his steady, restful place. I adopted David's strategy and have been repeating these to myself throughout the day: 

 God is near, God is faithful, God keeps His promises, God has my back. 

They are NOT magic words that make all the hard disappear. They don't change your situation, but they'll change your perspective and give your heart and mind a safe place to rest. These Truths are power and strength given to us to keep it movin'.

God also constantly speaks to rest and stillness in the Bible- "wait patiently before the Lord for He is your victory" or "be still and know that I am God". Those kinda verses. Our best fight stance is stillness... a strategy so counter-intuitive when all your ish is hitting the fan at once. But it's Bible, and it's the most reliable, sure-fire way to deal.

I love how First5 words it...

"When our very being experiences worry, apprehension and at times even fright, turning our thoughts away from our racing emotions and fixating them instead upon the immovable God — the only One able to save — can help calm our hearts and soothe our souls."

So that's it. I don't know what comes out of the phone call with the pulmonologist whenever he decides to call. I do know that I'm in the middle of a waiting perido to find out if I've got cancer or a cold, and through Jesus Christ + my Bible, I'm able to fight for real rest and real peace. No stress, no anxiety. God has my back, Bible'ing keeps my perspective eternal, and praying, along with life-giving conversations, keeps my thoughts in check. Even if it's just a few quiet minutes in the morning, and scattered conversation throughout the day. 

What about you? If you're sailin' in the same boat of limbos and waiting periods, how are you handling the wait? Don't forget the rest and the power and the fullness you have waiting for you in the pages of Scripture, in His responses to your prayer, or through the community God uses to reach you. And don't forget the community you have in us- comment below or send us a message on social media. We'd love to hear what's going on. And remember to fight on, fighter. Don't let anyone steal your fire... 

(thank you for this, Christy!)

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