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California Dream ...Wasn't a Dream

Today marks a pretty killer day in the history of Deep See. First of all, we have officially reached over 10,000 page views!! Thank you all so, so much for reading and following and supporting and encouraging! I had no idea that God was taking this blog so far and I can't wait to see what's coming, I hope you stick along for the ride :)          Second of all, Deep See has made a little transformation! Past posts have had a lot of focus in life struggles. But be ready for future posts to also include living life fully alive, both eyes wide open - traveling stories, health tips, etc.  But don't let this transformation fool you. This blog and its readers will forever be prayed over. The posts will forever be fully influenced by the Spirit of Christ in me. So please, I ask you to remember

Philippians 2:13 "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."  These writings, these posts, these words...all because of Jesus. And it's all because of Jesus that not only this blog has been transformed, but so have I.

I have to admit that after Luke & I split, I walked around convincing myself daily that I was healed and that I was fine. I would pray about it and talk to my mentors about it but my heart would still hurt and the tears were still falling. Somewhere in there, I also convinced myself that I did everything I could to give the pain and the weight to God, but it didn't work. So I turned to instant gratification and here comes some was at this time that I found myself around more bars, clubs, alcohol and guys than ever before. All that stuff seemed to take the weight off and all that stuff taught me that I didn't need to care about being fully healed. It was ok to live with only one eye open as long as I had temporary fixes. Needless to say, my Jesus relationship had weakened and my admiration of the world became so much greater.

{side note- there's nothing wrong with alcohol unless used for healing or
crazy drunken purposes. Jesus turned water in wine, guys.  He kept the parties going and frowned upon lukewarm believers & their religious activity.
Read John 2.
"For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness, peace, joy and fullness in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17}


After happily (the deceived kind) walking around rock bottom for a while, I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in Courteney (now) Mile's wedding in Colorado.
MFF (Maddie Fun Fact): traveling is what wakes me up, it's my passion!

Needless to say, I was so pumped to be going somewhere new and seeing this girl I hadn't seen in years! I think there was also some secret joy in being pulled away from this life I had created for myself. Here's the first journal entry:

"We (me & Jesus) did it! We left at 8:50 headed towards Colorado. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep which led to the most uncomfortable ride in the middle seat...Anyways, not even 30 minutes 'til touch down. Jesus, we have an entire 12 days to do whatever we want. 12 days for you to guide, teach and re mold me. 12 days you don't have to fight for my attention. Here's my heart, Lord. Here's my life, Lord. Speak what is true.    -M"

I spent 4 beautiful days with Courteney & family in Colorado. It was here that I got to be apart of one of the most beautiful and real weddings I've ever seen. It was here that I had to face full healing. I journaled every night and one night, I couldn't sleep after a journal entry. It sounds crazy but I felt like God was keeping me up. He had something for me. So I grabbed my phone and put on some worship music, opened up the notes app and just wrote. Truly by the power of the Holy Spirit in me, He wrote to me.

"My daughter, have I not proven to you over and over again that you can trust me? That I bring full healing? I won't let pain linger. Remember, my love, when you have a hard time letting go of that relationship, that it wasn't love. For I am Love. And I was not recognized between the two of you. It was bondages of lust and comfort that kept you going. These are what brought your attachment, your feelings. Not me. But listen, daughter, I am handcrafting a man for you. One that I will bring to you in my timing. Undeniably, by my power alone. One that knows Me and loves Me, so in turn, will know how to love you the way I truly intended. Can you even imagine what a relationship brought together by Me and Me alone will look like? Daughter, until then, let me hold your heart. Let me take away this lingering pain. Let me show you, once again, my faithfulness and healing. I'm jealous for your love, your heart. Choose me to be the one who holds it."

That night, He rocked my world. and I haven't felt that deep pain since that night before I accepted His offer.


I arrived in San Diego on Sunday where I'd be staying for 3 days with the precious Stacey and Nick Rawson. I really had no plan in California, I just knew I wanted to see San Diego & LA, so I did. (Thank you, Jesus, for that spontaneity molded in me!) Nick & Stacey let me stay with them because they're great, they even gave me a car to use. I mean these people are perfect.... The first night I was there, they took me to a beach bonfire for their high school ministry. I met lots and lots of new people and eventually made it to one girl who I particularly seemed to click with. By the end of our conversation, Catie had given me a 3 day itinerary of things/places to see in LA AND a place to stay. A safe place, mom;)

I spent all of my San Diego mornings at the Living Room, another recommended CA place! It was the greatest little vintage coffee shop with the best breakfasts & most quiet places to be still.

June 9 Journal entry:

"I'm sitting on a cliff overlooking miles of ocean listening to the seals of La Jolla talk to each other. It's cloudy and a little chilly, but nowhere and nothing could take the cake on where I just ate lunch. A little cave in this cliff. Just me & Jesus. This place is immaculate. I've never seen anything like it. I have a strengthened desire for my God being in the middle of His artistry and craftsmanship. My heart craves His. Finally."

I spent 3 1/2 incredible days in San Diego with Stacey & Nick and Allegra (new friend!!). It was here that I got to explore and experience completely new places. It was here that I learned bravery & grace. A sermon that just happened to be at the right place, at the right time (wonder who planned that one...)

Invisible Week 2 from on Vimeo.

Read John 2 again... The woman at the well's answer to Jesus wasn't "help me, heal me, restore me" it was avoiding the subject, " you did this thing the other day..."

-our pain can force us to look away from Jesus, causing Him to become invisible in our lives.
-we render Him invisible when He doesn't do things the way we want & when we want. And because we can't always wrap our mind around His way and reason it, we miss Him and go back to what's comfortable for us

That San Diego is beaut. The next day, I ventured out and hiked up Cowels Mountain but couldn't get down it fast enough to go lay out at Coronado Beach. Obviously, there's a favorite between the two. Both, however, came with drop dead gorgeous scenery that's forever stuck in my memory :)


Wednesday was travel day. I took my first train ride from San Diego to LA & it was beautiful! I made new friends at the station that were a total God send. They pointed me in the direction that I needed to go then happened to be on the same train! June 11 journal entry:

AM: "As for today, we've officially reached out half way point to LA. Arrival time should be around 5:40. I woke up today with no plan. Just cleaned up the apartment and went to the train station. I'll try to rent a car at LAX but we'll see. Who knows how that'll go. Jesus."

PM: "Goodnight June 11. You were full of firsts and multiple God stories: first train ride, first city bus ride (train station to LAX), not so first shuttle ride, first car rental on my own. Through all this crazy mess, I met people...Now I lay in a stranger's bed, in a stranger's guest house. Travel time today 2:40-8:00. Lord, you made it possible to be here. To be alive. Let's let loose on this city tomorrow! All glory to you. All power from you. My life lived for you. Let bravery and grace, peace and joy show off their stuff. Thank you for ridding me of my fear of silence. My life is Yours.  -M"

The next day, I went to Intelligensia Coffee shop where I met the love of my life. Red plaid shirt. He made my coffee and it was love at first site. But reality..., I had on my HE>I shirt that day, so I made that my prayer. That every move I make, I realize that He is undeniably greater than me. Except, I didn't act that way. I spoke it, but didn't act it. I tried to take my plans into my own hands that day. I went to the Universal Studio's lot tour doing everything I could to find the Pretty Little Liars cast. They filmed that day. And ALL of my little good, yet deceiving plans failed, I didn't find any of them, and I was mad. Funny thing was that my Bible app just happened to open itself (which it never does) to the verse of the day which was:
Titus 2:11-12 "For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. Live with devotion to God.." Let God handle it.
But my shirt did get recognition from 3 other people on the lot wearing HE>i stuff. That was cool...
( )

June 12, I wrote about a date I went on. The girl that I met in San Diego (Catie) drove up to LA to take me out! She took me to Cafe 101 next to the Hollywood Hotel (Marilyn Monroe's hotel) and then covered my eyes until we got to the top of the Griffith Observatory, which overlooks all of LA. The hills, downtown, everything. It was beautiful. It was a beautiful time with a beautiful new mentor.

June 13 journal entry:
"God, you've done enough. I'm sorry I moped around for not getting my way with the PLL cast. YOU set the bar by sending Jesus to love me, die for me & guide me. THAT should be what satisfies me...more than satisfies. As for this trip, your healing and restoration is way more than satisfying. You are my eternal Surpriser."

That day, I had lunch with Ali Roland. I girl that I met at the Passion Conference in 2013 in Atlanta who just happened to be in LA at the same time. God works in absolutely surprising, crazy ways! It was about 5 minutes after my lunch date ended with Ali that Shaye Mitchell (Pretty Little Liars cast) posted an invite to a Q&A she was having downtown. God, what? So I went and I was 1 of 20 people sitting in a circle with her. I got a chance to thank her, hug her and give her a letter for the rest of her cast and crew thanking them for helping me through chemo. God had something SO much bigger than what I had planned. Instead of handing her a letter in passing on the studio tour, He took me right to her and gave me so much time with her. Our God is a surprising God!

So I went to the Ivy. I definitely recommend checking this restaurant out, too. SO worth the expensive meal... I was journaling when the table behind me invited me to sit with them so they could hear about my cancer & remission & my life. They felt like immediate family. I spoke with them for about 30 minutes before they invited me to their next event: The SoHo House.  A social club for Hollywood celebrities and producers. Yep, it was as big of a deal as it sounds. I spent my night with Michelle, producer of The Doctors, and Brannon Braga, writer/producer of Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Twenty Four and his latest & greatest, Salem. Insanely incredible people. They let me run around and explore the SoHo House on my own where I met a few different Hollywood producers and may or may not have been in  the presence of Bono & the rest of U2 for a little bit. I felt like I was dreaming, you guys.  But at the same time, I felt the godlessness of that place. I felt a lot of self-empowered people. A lot of unfulfilled people. And here is where my new mission lies... I hung out for a little while longer after Brannon & Michelle left. You see, there was this gorgeous group of guys that had walked in...and well....I had to stay.

The next day was my last day and God started it with a new friend, Meagan, from Robert Pattinson's favorite breakfast place. We talked about God and living life with both eyes open, sharing similar stories. What an ending to this trip...

There's so much more to all of many more God stories. So much depth I skipped over. But it'll all come out over time. I hope you stick around to follow this mission that God has set me on: to bring Jesus to LA and counteract Hollywood's ways, the rock of our culture. It's big but God's bigger.

And my journal entries end with this on June 14:
"When I prayed for you to speak what is true in my heart and in my life on day one,
I had no idea what I had signed up for."

My remission trip was one of healing, restoration and new callings.
All because 12 short days were fully surrendered to him.
But imagine a lifetime of surrender...
Our God is an awesome God!


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